Embracing Winter Seasons
December 9, 2022
First and foremost, welcome to my first blog post on my website. I am so glad to have you here. One thing you will learn about me is that not only am I passionate about my role as coach & counsellor, but I also have a deep passion for writing as well as other forms of creative self-expression. So a lot of what you will find here will be snippits of my own journey, perhaps some nuggets of wisdom and maybe even some laughs and tears. Either way, I do hope you enjoy reading. Thank you for being here.
You may have read that I am originally from the city of Syracuse, which is located in upstate New York, USA. However, what you may not know about about my hometown is that it’s listed as one of the snowiest places in the entire world. Sometimes I wish I could unhear that fact, but alas.
When I was a child, I took on the snow as if my life depended on it. Not far from the apartment complex where I grew up with my mom was this huge sledding hill set back away from the main road where every single kid in the area went to go sledding. So you can imagine that getting up early on weekday mornings to check the TV and to find out that school was canceled due to yet another snowstorm was music to my ears. I would chow down some breakfast, get on my gear, grab my friends, and off we would go to “the big hill.” I would spend hours and hours there. I never wanted to go home for lunch or even if I needed to use the bathroom or felt as if my fingers and toes were ready to fall off from the cold. Nah, I was committed.
Growing up on a dairy farm with my father’s side of the family was also like hitting the jackpot. My dad and uncles would tie up my sled to the back of their snowmobiles, and we would swirl around for hours until I couldn’t take the cold anymore and would run in to see my Dutch grandma so I could get a nice cup of hot chocolate and a homemade roomboterkoekje (creamy butter cookie) and warm up by the wooden stove.
So you see, I have very fond memories of winter. I am now 41 years old, living here in the Netherlands for many years, and I am no longer really used to that level of cold, snow and winter though there are times when I do miss it. I am sure my kids would absolutely love experiencing it as well. I know there are days when I surely, especially during the holiday season. There is something magical to me about waking up to a beautiful, serene snowfall on Christmas morning.
Sometimes when I think about winter, however, I observe is not just as a literal weather season but also with the notion that we often experience winter seasons throughout our lives. These “winter seasons” can happen at anytime of the year, no matter the weather, the circumstances, etc. It can sneak up on us so suddenly, and we get to a point that we feel exhausted, overwhelmed and powerless.
I have experienced many of these “winters” for sure. The times that I have gone through extensive periods of anxiety and depression are probably too many to count on one finger. So many of these moments, my mind was also filled with thoughts of guilt and shame for even feeling this way because “life is good” so why am I feeling like my whole world is caving in? And because of that guilt and shame, I went many years without reaching out for support and just tried to wear a “mask” and pretend that everything was good and fine. This was until I couldn’t hide any longer, and seeking help wasn’t just an option anymore but a necessity. This was the moment that was life changing for me, and one of the moments that has brought me to this present time where I am now sitting here writing to you.
I remember going to speak with my doctor about my “winter season”, and I was mortified but yet relieved. Luckily, he took my concerns very seriously and gave me a referral to start therapy. Since that time several years ago, so much has changed in my life. I started healing, I started expressing my emotions, opening up, daring to be myself without the masks. My “winter” was a time of going inward, learning about myself, working through a lot of trauma and taking the time I needed to truly heal.
Since that particular “winter season”, I’ve had a few more. I am okay with that. Each one of those times has given me an opportunity to make a choice for myself again. Will I take the step to get the support I need to walk through what feels like this neverending snowtstorm, or will I shy away and hide in shame? And I will tell you, making this choice has never been easy, but it’s definitely gotten easier each times I have been confronted with it. Each time, I have been gifted with this mirror that has served as a sort of self-reflection. Light was exposing parts of myself where I was not allowing love to enter because it didn’t feel safe. My mind kept lying to me and trying to keep me trapped in my “safe space” because confronting my pain felt like pouring salt into an open wound. Why on earth would I ever want to feel that type of pain and discomfort again?
Perhaps you’re struggling and feeling stuck in your own “winter season” and not sure how to navigate through the snowstorm. Maybe you know already that you want and even need to reach out for support, but you’re feeling scared, guilty, ashamed and unsure of what to expect. That’s totally okay. I have been there. I know what that’s like. But I can tell you this: the very fact that you’re on my website reading this blog right now speaks volumes. I would even call it courageous or brave. Why? Because we’ve been programmed for decades and perhaps even centuries to believe that reaching out for help is a sign of weakness. “If others find out that I’m struggling, what will they think of me?” “If my boss knew how much I struggle to even get out of bed each day, maybe they’d fire me.” If I don’t put on a happy face for my partner and pretend all is well, maybe they’ll leave me.” These thoughts are not only common, but they’re also valid. I bet if you asked any random stranger on the street if they’ve ever experienced these thoughts, they’d probably tell you 100% yes a million times over.
So please know this: You are not alone during your “winter season.” This is, of course, unless you choose to be. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I would love to get to know you, provide a safe space for you where you feel seen, heard and understood and also have a true sense of belonging. It would be an honor to listen to you as you share your winter story and to offer some guidance as you journey on through the snowstorm. Because I can tell you, as you do, you will discover that you have it in you to take on any trees that might fall upon your path along the way. It may not always be easy, as embracing one’s healing journey rarely ever is, but it’s so worth it. As you journey on, you will experience the sun peaking through, the path clearing, the snow melting, and spring emerging once again. So what do you say? Shall we grab our sleds and head on out? I am ready whenever you are.
